So, here's the thing! I was feeling a bit nostalgic. Why? Well, I'm glad you asked. I have an invite for tomorrow night to the Headteacher's retirement bash at the school I used to work at ten years ago when I left the Army. I know, you're thinking "So what?" Well, even though it was a challenge and a half, I had an interesting time and made some good friends. So, I'm going to go to that. Then, I got an email from FeadaRead - Say what! Well look, instead of me expounding their virtues, take a look at their website - you won't regret it. Now, this is a follow-on from the YouWriteOn (YWO) website, or should I say a "spin-off'! Now, if you want a proper look you'll have to join both sites, but they're both free to join. Anyway, I discovered that I'd sold 153 paperbacks and had royalties of £179.26 just waiting for me to put in my paypal details - consider it done! The wife and I had a slap-up meal down the chippy - curry sauce, pickled eggs, and all the trimmings. Which made me realise I'd neglected the print side of life in favour of ebooks - so, I promptly uploaded the remaining four books in the Parish & Richards series to be printed and distributed through Amazon. Not only that, I'd had numerous requests for the print versions of my books because not everyone has an eReader - my mother-in-law Gladys (see picture below) being one of them! So Gladys, as soon as I get my author copies, you'll get the rest of the books - now, I can't say fairer than that, can I? So, I wondered if YWO was still going strong, and lo and behold it was. I logged on, I put a message on the board to announce that I'd reached the quarter million mark in books sold, and to say thanks to all the people who reviewed my early work and gave me invaluable constructive criticism - it's a peer review site by the way - one of the better ones. The people on this site helped me to get to grips with the vagaries of writing, and made me realise that I could string a few words together - not in the same league as James Joyce or Charles Dickens, but enough to tell a half-decent story. Anyway, I was asked to say how I did it! Ha, you think I know? Ain't got a clue! I made loads of errors, I know that. Here's a few errors I tripped over when I uploaded my books to Amazon Kindle in October 2010 - 1) I priced them too high at first; 2) I didn't read the instructions before I uploaded (it's a man thing, I suppose), and as a consequence, the samples people were downloadloading were full of blank pages - no wonder I didn't get any sales!; 3) I had images in my books, and it took me ages to find out how to upload them so that they were visible and in the right place; 4) I should have had all my books edited and proofread first, but that meant paying - possibly thousands - up front in the vague hope of recouping some of the money - I have had them all proofread now though; 5) I had to learn to use new pieces of software such as Mobipocket and Calibre, and new Internet sites such as Facebook, Twitter, Kindleboards, Bookbuzzr, etc; 6) I offended people through floods of self-promotion on the Amazon discussion boards; 7) I had to create a website... But, when all is said and done, that's what people do isn't it - they make mistakes - or, to err is human? Anyway, eventually I got my ebooks uploaded onto Amazon, and in the early days I was still playing about with prices, covers, blurbs, and everything else related to ebooks, and even now it's not perfect. I haven't got an agent or a publisher. Is that the measure of success as an author? Do we still yearn for an agent or publisher to email or phone us with the words, "We want to sign you up?" It would be very nice I suppose. Recognition! Acceptance! Hardbacks! Translated into 40 different languages! But... in the meantime, I'll have to settle for sales averaging between 10,000 - 20,000 per month. I started with 5 copies of my books sold in December 2010, and had a peak of 41,717 the following December. Now, I write a book every two months, which usually goes into the UK Top 100 within a month (I don't want to tempt fate here, so if you're reading this fate - I didn't mean it!) Obviously, not all my books sell in the same quantities. Historical fiction (two written), science fiction (one written), science fantasy (one written), young adult (two written); poetry (one written); short story collections (two written) - don't sell as well as some other genres. My main genre is crime. I focus on the preponderance of serial killers in Hammersmith (I was born there) and Essex (I live there now). They seemed to have crawled out of the woodwork since I started writing! Anyway, I appear to have written a book (A Life for a Life) that people like. From the reviews on Amazon, they like the characters, the banter between the two main protagonists, the plotting, the mystery and suspense - Oh, of course, not everyone likes my books, but enough do for them to spread the word - and that's the main marketing strategy that works - word of mouth! I have a Facebook Fan Page. Only a couple of minutes ago, a woman posted on my wall saying she'd found my books, they were brilliant, thank you! Hey, who wouldn't want to be a writer? But, don't think its all roses, wine, and chocolates - it's not. People have also said my writing is trash, the worst thing since the invention of the locust, a reflection of how the postmodernist society has destroyed literature and a major contribution to global warming - All right, maybe not the last one, but they say some nasty things that you have to take on the chin.
Now, here's the real thing! Nike had it right - Just do it! You could spend years getting your writing to a level where you surpass even Jane Austen or William Shakespeare, but in the meantime you're missing the boat. The best way of finding out if people like your is to put it out there. I used to teach leadership - if you try and fail at least you tried. If you never try, you'll never know if you could have done it! Before, it was hard to get an agent to take you on. Now, it's nearly impossible. If you're waiting around for someone to accept your work, you'll be waiting a long time. Get the BBQ going and get the beers out! Right, that's all I'm going to say. If I haven't answered your questions - just ask? Oh, and remember: You're never too old to learn something stupid - That's a paraprosdokian, which is a phrase or sentence that leads us down the garden path to an unexpected ending. Ha! Sounds like one of my books.
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So, here's the thing! The better half and I went to Crete. We'd been before, so we knew what it was like - hot, hot, hot! We hadn't been on holiday for at least 5 years because of the four shitzhus we've got - putting them in kennels would be the cost of another holiday, and they're our babies so we didn't want to anyway. But, as the planets aligned, aliens arrived for a visit, and my son was able to come to stay for a week and keep them safe. Hey ho, off we went - booked on Tuesday, flew off on Thursday. Did I say it was hot? Yeah, it was hot. But all was not lost. For one, it was a child-free hotel - the peace and quiet was life-affirming. For two, we had our own private pool and sunbeds just outside the air-conditioned room (we didn't have to fight anyone for them, or get up in the middle of the night to put Union Jack towels on them). For three, I ate a Cretan salad every day with feta cheese, which I love. For four, I was able to write my 10,000-words for the week, and read The Concrete Blonde by Michael Connelly and The Prisoner of Heaven by Carlos Ruiz Zafon - both favourite authors. Did I say it was hot? Yeah, we were glad to get back to the freezing rain at Stanstead airport last night. This morning, I tipped over 250,000 ebooks sold - I know, a quarter of a million! I feel a bit humbled. Not too much, but a bit. I would say, not bad for an indie author where the majority of books are ebooks, which have not been translated into any other languages, and there are no hardbacks with inflated prices. So, well chuffed. Thank you readers for buying them. Now, that said, I've had some complaints about The Breath of Life. Well, when I say some, I mean three. In fact, my wife did that yesterday. We were sitting in the departure lounge at Heraklion Airport - well, it was a room with a couple of chairs and a boogie box making a noise in the corner. So, she said, "Lots of people have bought the type of bag I bought." Now, based on the aforementioned comment, you would think she had only bought one bag - sadly, that was far from the truth! She had actually bought five bags she doesn't need - I digress - for good reason you might shout! Anyway, when I looked for these sad people lugging the type of bag my wife had bought I couldn't see one. I said, "Where?" Well, you would wouldn't you? Apparently, and don't quote me on this, there was one person hefting the bag who had already gone through booking and I didn't actually see her! Complaints, that's what I was talking about. Yes - here's the main thrusts. But first, I should say that some people have liked the book, or should that be, "do like the book"? Anyway, they felt: 1) the ending was rushed (now, this has been mentioned before, so I'll drag the next ending out over at least ten chapters); 2) the dialogue wasn't appropriate in some of the critical situations - Mmmm; 3) there was a lack of police procedures - I agree; 4) familiar characters were eliminated without ceremony - hey ho, easy come easy go; and 5) some of the characters were stereotypical - Mmmm! Okay, let me say that I've taken these points on board for the next book The Dead Know Not, and already made changes as a result. Now, there's no point in me trying to rebut any of the complaints, because that's the way I wrote the book. I'm saddened that some people didn't like the book (or some of it). Hey, I would love 100% of readers to like 100% of everything I write, but sadly that's never going to happen. There were so many different ways I could have written - or ended - the book, but - right or wrong - I chose the way it is. What I can say, is that those people who thought some of the storylines had ended are sadly mistaken. People may think Parish has found out who his parents are, but... Well, that's another story, which hopefully will be better than the last one. And, if you're going on holiday, make sure you take the high sun protection factor cream with you! So, here's the thing! Its been ages since my last blog, so I thought I'd cobble something together today. What's been happening? I'm glad you asked my that, Toady. Not a lot really. I suppose everybody goes on holiday round about now before the school summer break begins, and all the holiday resorts are overrun with unmanageable screaming kids and parents get drunk in the bar! Well, enough about my family! I did do something though! Well, apart from publishing The Breath of Life (which is currently No.1 in Police Procedurals and No.55 in the Top 100 BTW, Toady!) and getting a 20,000-word foothold in Parish & Richards 7 The Dead Know Not (which is due out in mid-August), I wrote a Foreword - say what? Well look, some people write non-fiction books, you know. This one is called How To Write Dialogue and its being thrown together by Matt Posner - Of course you know him, Toady. He's that American fella who sings, dances, and plays some percussion instruments with The Exploration Project. A teacher of some renown. Well, a crazy teacher I suppose, if he teaches in America! Anyway, he's also written some books - magic books to be precise. No, not about how to do magic, Toady. Well, maybe there's some hints in the books, but... All right, maybe I wasn't being that precise. Look, do you want to hear this, or not? Sometimes you can be a real pain in the... I wasn't going to say any naughty words.
I did something else as well! Yes, I'm going to tell you what. I tried to join one of the top writer's associations. I say, "tried" because they wouldn't let me in. Don't smile like that, Toady. It wasn't because I come from the wrong side of the tracks - does that actually mean anything anymore? It wasn't because I'm a bit overweight and fart at the drop of a hat - all right, a lot overweight - you drive a hard bargain, Toady - seriously obsese then! It wasn't because I didn't know the secret handshake... Yes, all right, I'll tell you. Readers like a bit of suspense, mystery, and... It was because I was self-published!! I know, that's as bad as someone using two exclamation marks!! So, I wrote to them, said I'd written a lot of novels, sold a quarter of a million books (well nearly), and my latest attempt at writing was in the Top 100, but they said, "Rules is rules"!! You have to have been published through a publishing company, have a contract, be paying most of your earnings to publishing people - that's just the way it is!! I said, you're rules are bit outdated. There are self-published people out there who have sold a million books!! I could hear them shrugging their shoulders and the key turning in the lock. Some doors are still closed to self-published authors!! So, here's the thing! And before I start rambling on about the thing and other stuff, let me tell you about my new book - The Breath of Life (Parish & Richards 6) - hot off the 'puter and published today for your pleasure! Hey, no thanks necessary, that's what I'm here for after all init! "Dialogue, that's what I wanted to talk to you muffins about..." "Muffins? Is that an English expression for intelligent people?" "Yes, Toady. So, what do I know about dialogue? Well, not a lot really, so this will be a very short blog. I know the usual rubbish the people who do know about dialogue tell you, like: (1) Make it sound like the music of everyday speech; (2) Cut out the boring parts - nobody wants to read ums, ers, arhs, and other grunts and snorts you make when you're talking, Toady." "Me?" "Is your name Toady?" "It might be." "Might be, my arse. Should we continue?" "Please do." "(3) Don't use dialogue for info dumps - long speeches are boring, and believe me Toady, I - like most of your readers - have a miniscule boredom threshold; (4) Break up dialogue with action and vicky-verky - and I should tell you here that long paragraphs of description are boring; (5) Try not to use a multitude of synonyms for "said" as dialogue tags - interweave, or should that be intertwine, or maybe entwine, interlace...!!! - Anyway, jumble up your action and your dialogue. It doesn't go dialogue, action, dialogue, more dialogue, some action, etc., ad infinitum... Refer back to (1) - the music of everyday speech, which includes action - people aren't statues with moving mouths - they scratch their arses, pick their noses, and generally annoy other people; (6) Avoid stereotypes like the plague, use slang and profanity sparingly - it ain't necessary." "I think I got everything, boss." "So, that's it really, Toady! Well, I did say it would be short. I could mention punctuation... Yeah, you gotta punctuate dialogue correctly, or it looks like a bag of worms on a night out. Also, somebody once said, "Make sure there's lots of white space!" I live by that. Readers like white space, it's easy to read! Do I need to explain that?" "No, I don't think so, boss." Toady shuffles from one foot to the other, and won't look me in the eyes. "You don't think so?" My lip curls up. "That fills me with a whole bucketful of confidence." "What about reading your dialogue aloud?" "Some do, but I can hear it in my head." I shake my head and my eyes roll from side to side like the reels in a slot machine. "Some people say, "Put your book away for a year, and then look at it again." What do you think about that?" I get ready to make a strange noise with my mouth. "Do you really want to know what I think about that, Toady?" "Probably not." "A wise decision." "Do you want to say anything about adverbs?" I laugh heartily, then say crisply and with gusto, "It's best to use body language to convey meaning. Look, you're not writing dialogue to fill up the page. If it's not developing character, or dealing with a plot point, or relating to something important to the story - what's it there for?" "Is that it?" "My final point, and then I'm done. Vary the speech styles of your characters - we live in a multicultural world and we ain't be all talking da same is we?" "You're a genius, boss." "Coming from you, Toady, that means nothing." So, here's the thing! A triple dose of Parish & Richards: Conjeries of the Dead, all proofread and shiny new - what more could you want for Christmas? What, it's not Christmas! Peeks through curtains - ye Gods sunshine! But hey, you can never be too early for Christmas shopping! And anyway, it's the holiday season - mind you, every day is a holiday for me! Being retired is something I can recommend! So, I thought I'd bundle up my Parish & Richards books. Well, first I thought I'd get them all proofread after a slack handful of complaints about the typos etc. Those typos get everywhere! You can be staring at a typo for half an hour and still not notice it! That done, I compiled my first conjeries, and put it out there. Can you imagine! You managed to get up early enough to snaffle a sunbed from those Germins - I know, you probably didn't even go to sleep! Those Germins wander around the pool at all hours of the night claiming sunbeds in the name of vorsprung technologie! So anyway, you're lying there in your Union Jack bikini, or is that a mankini? My wife wants me to get one, you know! So I said to her that even though I've got a body of a Greek God, I'm still 59 for goodness sake. There's a few wrinkles showing and grey hairs sprouting, so I said I'd pass on the mankini thing if it was all the same to her. I could see she was hugely disappointed - Well, who could blame her! Anyway, you're on your sunbed, it's 40 degrees, the umbrella is strategically positioned so that you don't actually get any sun, you've got your florescent beach towel covering the tops of your feet because they're looking a bit red, a Bahamas Mama cocktail with a sparkler and a little flag in it is sitting on the table next to you, the pool is an inviting green, and you have three full-length addictive books in a conjeries on your Kindle - What do you do? You get your Happy Hippo lilo out, put it in the pool, scramble on it with great aplomb and balance using your well-developed cheek muscles, grab your cocktail with one hand, and your Kindle with the other, and... Well, that's the thing, isn't it? You can read a Kindle with one hand! The joys of modern living. eh! But that's not all. Oh no, not by a long walk off a short pier. As soon as I finish 'The Breath of Life' (Parish & Richards 6) in three weeks time, I'll be publishing my second conjeries, which will include The Shadow of Death, His Wrath is Come, and The Breath of Life. I've also got a third conjeries in the pipeline, which will include the four Quigg books once the middle two have been proofread: The Twelve Murders of Christmas (as a bonus), Body 13, The Graves at Angel Brook, and The Skulls Beneath Eternity Wharf - Christmas has come early! And another thing! Have I told you about 'The Dead Know Not'? Of course I haven't, because I've only just thought of it! Parish & Richards 7 if you were wondering. No, it ain't been written yet, but I like to have a title and a cover to start with. Army training, you see! Everything has to be squared-off, the corners like razor blades, no creases or loose ends - ahhh, doesn't it warm your cockles? Anyway, I think I've waffled on about nothing for long enough - what do you think, Toady? Did I see your lips move then? So, here's the thing. I got an email a while ago from Rick Murcer - yeah, he's the nabob who writes those moon books - Caribbean Moon, Emerald Moon, and hey you get offa my moon - you know the stuff. Anyway, he said, "We're scraping the barrel, but do you want to write a little yarn about murder in the sun - a bit like the usual rubbish you write - for inclusion in an anthology?" "I'm flattered," I said. "Yeah well, we wouldn't normally have asked you because you're a Brit, and us Americans can hardly make sense of what you say, never mind what you write, but a couple of really great writers have dropped out, and somebody knew somebody's aunt's friend who had mentioned your name in a homeless shelter." "Hey, I'll try and make it legible - Americanize it, so to speak." "Okay, well we'll give it a go, see what you come up with. You'll be competing with the likes of Dani Amore, Traci Hohenstein, Lawrence Kelter, Rebecca Stroud, Gary Ponzo, and of course, me - and we're all celebrities. So, it had better be a good story - don't want you lowering the tone of our anthology." "I don't know what to say - great writers and superstars all. And, of course, you're my hero, Rick. I'll write the very best story I possible can." "Well, give it your best shot. Think of yourself as Rocky..." "Marciano?" "Balboa... This is your shot at the title kid! We like to give half-decent writers a leg up - be philanthropic now that we're all heavyweights." So, that's how the conversation panned out. I got busy and writ the very best story I could... It's about murder, it's about... Well, I suppose if you're gonna buy the book when it's published around 1st June so that you can read the stories all those other panjandrums have writ then you'll stumble over my little yarn - I hope you like it, and I hope I don't let those other megastars down! So, here's the thing! "The writing and structure by the author is different from what I usually read so in the beginning I did struggle trying to understand the banter but I got to grips with it." That's a quote from a 5* review. I mention it because of the beginning: "The writing and structure... is different from what I usually read!" Which begs the question, "What does he/she normally read?" Earlier in the review they mention "...so much dialogue and banter going on...' Ah! Maybe that's what lies at the heart of "Writing and Structure"! It's true, you read most books and the dialogue is tight, focused on the storyline only. In effect, there's no banter. Yeah, I have a lot of banter in my books. I believe that dialogue/banter helps to develop character, it reveals motivation, it obviously contributes to the plot/storylines (and for those who take a keen interest - I have a number of underlying storylines/subtexts going on in my banter), it can reveal backstory, and it helps with pacing and variety. Have you ever picked up a book, flicked through the pages, and seen very little dialogue, but lots of narrative blocks. Personally, I don't bother with those types of books - they're hard work. I've actually read some books where a paragraph goes on for two or more pages! Phew, I hate those books! Now look, some people have complained that I know nothing about police procedure, and I guess those are the people who know nothing about police procedure! Let's get something straight - the police procedure in my books is what I say it is. I could stick slavishly to correct real-life police procedure, get my characters to fill in forms for hours, and I could have a whole task force with a myriad of people investigating the serial killer murders I invent, but I'm not trying to imitate real-life. I don't know if you've noticed, but real-life is damned boring. If you want real-life, read 'True Crime' books - I do, that's where I get some of my ideas from. Many people like my books. They like the intricate plots, the complex characters, the humour and banter between the characters, the suspense, and many other things, so I think I'll just carry on carrying on if that's all right with you, Toady? I like to make things up if you hadn't noticed. Some things in my books are based on facts, i.e. there are people, places, and things happen to those people in those places - what more do you want? As Simon Cowell said: "You can't please all the people, all of the time!" Hey, but listen. There's two events coming up soon. First off around 1st June, The Killing Sands will be published. WHAT! You've never heard of The Killing Sands! Gawd, where you bin since you were knee-high to a cockroach? The Killing Sands is an anthology, a collection of stories if you will, and your's truly is included in this magnus opus with As You Sow, So Shall You Reap. Who else is in there? Well, we got Dani Amore, Traci Hohenstein, Lawrence Kelter, Rebecca Stroud, Gary Ponzo and Rick Murcer. Yep, it's gonna be a blockbuster all right! Second, around 20th June, The Breath of Life will be published. This will be Number 6 in the Parish & Richards series, and I do believe it will be my best. And hey! There are gonna be some answers in there, Kowalski done got a new partner - ain't that the truth, and unexpected people are gonna die! Oh, I can hardly wait. Also, as I write, two books are in the Top 100 - can't say fairer than that can I? Thank you readers - most kind. The Twelve Murders of Christmas (Quigg 1) is No.53 and The Skulls Beneath Eternity Wharf (Quigg 4) is No.72! And I haven't even mentioned The Terror at Grisly Park (Quigg 5) coming out in August or October. So, here's the thing! I've had some complaints. I know, how awful is that? Well, when I say complaints, that should really be in the singular. Someone said Hoddesdon and Cheshunt Police Stations were in Hertfordshire and not in Essex (I knew that, but not by much), and that Chigwell police station came under the Met (oh dear), and that they couldn't even read my books because they were georgraphically incorrect! What's the world coming to! I didn't realise that fiction had to be factually correct! I thought fiction was made up. Yes, I could put some facts in there if I wanted to, but if I'm not mistaken - and I have been mistaken many times believe me - fiction is made up, that's why it's called fiction, isn't it? Or have I got that wrong? Here's a definition off the good old Internet: The class of literature comprising works of imaginative narration, especially in prose for; works of this class, as novels or short stories: detective fiction. So there we are! If I say Hoddesdon and Cheshunt Police Stations form part of the Essex Constabulary, then that's the way it is. After all, it's my story, isn't it? Maybe I should put a caveat at the beginning to prepare readers. Something along the lines of: County boundaries have been moved slightly, police stations have been re-allocated between Police Forces, distances modified, the time taken between two points on the map have been altered to accommodate the storyline, the characters aren't real - WHAT? Sorry, I didn't mean to say that. Of course the characters are real, it's me that isn't real. Also, somebody said in a review that there's no train station at Maldon (Essex, not Australia) (I checked - it closed in 1939! The nearest station is Hatfield Peverel, then you've got to get a taxi! Ha, who'd have believed that?), and that even if there had been a station at Maldon, Harlow and Maldon would be on different lines! Now that's sloppy on my part! I take full responsibility for that glaring error. I've written to British Rail telling them that they should re-open Maldon train station forthwith, and move the railway lines slightly so that the good people of Harlow can get a shorter journey to the barren wilderness of Maldon. So, that was easily solved. Those who now read His Wrath is Come can rest assured that the train station at Maldon is open for business again - albeit aslightly overgrown - and there is a special platorm (No.13½ I believe) at Harlow station, which caters for passengers travelling to that glorious idyll - Maldon.
But here's the thing! When does fiction ever have to be factual? As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't. Now, you might say that I'm creating a fantasy world (defined as: imagination, especially when extravagant and unrestrained). if I don't put police and train stations in their right place! I have a rebuttal witness, none other than Val McDermid - she of Wire in the Blood! Oh yeah! She created a totally new place called Bradfield, whereas I only moved a couple of county boundaries and re-opened a delapidated old train station. Not only that, I made up the murders! I know, you think Essex is crawling with serial killers. Well, I hate to diappoint you. Yes, there are a lot of strange people in Essex, and a few of them are serial killers, but I've overegged the pudding by one or two rotten eggs! Right, that's it! More fiction to write. Toodle pip! So, here's the thing! I know, I know, I haven't written a blog for eons, well at least three weeks! I've been busy writing. Yeah, I know, that's what writers always say, but this time it's true - I promise. In fact, that why I'm writing this bloggie thing now. I've written 20,000-words of my WIP... Don't start, Toady... It means Work in Progress because I'm working on it. The Skulls Beneath Eternity Wharf is two-eighths of the way through. How did it happen, that's what I want to know? Oh you're thinking, duh... You wrote it doughball! Well, yes I did, but here's the thing - I wrote it in 17 days! Now, my previous calculations have clearly stated that it takes me four months to write a book of around 80,000-words. There must be something wrong with my abacus, that's all I can say! Well, actually I can say a lot more... For one thing, if my target is 1,000-words a day (which I invariably reach + some), how did I arrive at four months to write a book? Four months = 120 days (approx), which in turn = 120,000-words (approx). I mean, if I finish a book in 80 days + one week for editing and back-patting, that's still only 87 days, which is three months (rounded up to the nearest penny), what am doing for the other 30 days? I can think of a few things! Some of the more printable ones would be 1) Go on a Caribbean cruise; 2) Join an archealogical dig looking for proof that we're the progeny of aliens - well, me anyway; 3) Go on a bender in Salisbury and have a pint in each pub - there's quite a few pubs in the town centre from what I recall when I was doing my geriatric nursing at Odstock Geriatric Unit. So, let's hypothesise! If I've written 20,000-words in 17 days, could I write 40,000-words in 31 days? And, if I duplicate that, it means I could write a book in two months! Now, that's a bit scary. Well, it throws all my calculations out by two months. I've told all my fans that Quigg 3 will be published in June, but it could be ready at the end of April. Also, working with the same abacus, Stone & Randall 2 (The Gordian Knot) could be published at the end of June, and Parish & Richards 6 (The Breath of Life) - at the end of August! Okay, let's calm down, and stop that canoodling in the back row you two. We can be rational! There might be other explanations, such as my abacus may be knackered - Yeah, that's a technical term, Toady. The word-count thingy in the wordprocessor could be having a laugh at my expense. Oh, I'm sure there are lots of other explanations for the extraordinary situation that has presented itself, so don't go getting your hopes up, let's see what happens. If I've written 40,000-words by the end of March, then E might very well equal MC2! So, here's the thing! I've just finished a little story called 'As You Sow, So Shall You Reap' for an anthology. Yeah, it's about murder! Yeah, the characters are fantastic! The Detective Inspector is a grumpy old sod, but nice with it - yeah, a bit like me, Toady - called Inigo Morgan. On his travels, he meets a pair of obese twins who run a cafe - and I had in mind Tweedledee and Tweedledum when I was writing their interactions with Inigo. There's strange places as well, like the London Necropolis Company who had their own railway line to transport the London dead to Brookwood Cemetery in Surrey! You'll be glad to know that they don't do that anymore! Well, not legally anyway, but I understand there's been a few bodies dumped there with missing organs! Hey, maybe there's a story there somewhere! The story is set in Little Haven in Pembrokeshire (see picture below) on the Welsh coast. No, you can't dowload the anthology yet because the other people who are writing their little stories aren't as task-centred as me! They're dragging their arses around wondering when, where, who, why? And generally shilly-shallying like writers do. Not me, I just do it, eh Toady? You and me against the world! So, what's he going to do next, I hear you holler? The Graves Beneath Eternity Wharf is my considered answer. Well, after I've finished this bloggy thing, of course. Promises is promises, ain't they, Toady? The trouble is, as I was telling some body parts earlier, that when you write a number of different series, it takes a couple of days to swap heads. I mean, I've been a 59-year-old grumpy Inigo Morgan for two weeks. Before that, I was a 31-year-old Jed Parish for four months, and now I've got to become Quigg until June. I can't remember how old he is until I re-familiarise myself with the storylines again. What I do know is that, regardless of age, they all have different personalities. All I can say, is that it's a good job my own personality can accommodate multiple personalities. And you know what they say - one personality can do something the other personalities don't know about!
Which personality are you writing this bloggy thing in, I hear you ask? And well you might! The thing is, I could be anybody, couldn't I? I've put a picture up there on the right, so you know I'm 59 - or do you? I've created a complete personality on this website, but I might very well be someone else. I could be an 18 year-old Ukranian drummer girl for all you know. I'm not, but that picture doesn't do me justice. I'm often mistaken for a young Clint Eastwood - you know, the one in Dirty Harry - "Make my day, punk!" I have to autograph their Magnums (ice creams not guns) when they recognise me! But that's it see, you have to give your characters a personality, one that people will remember forever. Make 'em speak differently, give 'em a catchphrase, make it so that they seep into people's heads, so that they feel as though your characters are real, that they want to meet them when they're not so busy being characters. Yeah, it's not just writers who are crazy people, you know - readers are as well! Right, that's it! Ta ta for now, crazy people. |
AuthorHi, I'm Tim Ellis - I write a lot and I hope you enjoy what I write. Archives
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