So, here's the thing! Still no more reviews, but mustn't grumble because sales have been quite respectable. Halfway through the month and I've already surpassed last month's sales! Could this be the calm before the storm? Yawn!
My mum used to say that I had no patience, and she was right. She died last year, but hey - no problem - she had a good innings (that's her with my dad in the photo - must be about 1950). She used to ring me up (before she died, stupid), and I'd answer the phone by saying, 'Are you stalking me?' (I have a loud speaker on my phone so I know who's calling before I pick up - often, my wife and I don't bother picking up because we don't like a whole lot of people). My mum and I had a good laugh and I miss her phone calls. Being a wife and mother (or a husband and father for that matter) was different in those days. Now, if you don't like the man (or woman) you've just agreed to spend the rest of your life with, you just walk away. My mum stayed with my dad through thick and thin, and believe me there was a lot of thin! The sanctity of marriage ain't what it used to be. Our new throw-away society extends to wives, husbands, and children as well!
So, a few years ago, my wife and I went to Mexico for a holiday, and stayed in a lovely five-star hotel. Now, we don't usually sign up to organised trips and the like because, 1) We don't like other people (as I've said before, but you still keep coming round) - which reminds me of our honeymoon. We went to the old part of Tenerife (Peurto de la Cruz I think) in 1977 (yeah I know - before some of you were even born!), and stayed in a nice hotel (except the showers were freezing cold most of the time). We did a lot of... well, lazing about by the pool, sightseeing, you know the type of things honeymooners do - Well, we kept getting lumbered with this fat smelly guy that we called Sloan (there was a reason we called him that, but I can't think what it was now!). I mean, two honeymooners in love and this fat smelly guy wants to spend time with us! You can imagine my response? Polite didn't work, so in the end I had to be fairly forthright, as one does in extreme circumstances.
Which also reminds me of Jasper Carrot! You've never heard of him? You don't know what you're missing. He was big in the 70s as a stand-up comic - even had a couple of records out - one was called Motorbikin' - it was one of those rubbish ones that you had to like and sing along to! I wonder... Yep, YouTube had it, but it was called Funky Moped! You're gonna hate me for this, but you have to listen to it!
So, before you destracted me with Funky Mopeds, I was telling you about this guy Sloan who reminded my wife and I of the nutter on the bus. Jasper Carrot tells a story about how, when he goes and sits on a bus, the nutter always comes and sits next to him. Well, if he's not sitting next to Jasper Carrot, he comes and sits next to me - that's mainly why I don't go on buses anymore.
Where was I? Oh yes - organised trips, 2) They're usually a rip off; 3) They take you away from the bar and the pool. Anyway, to cut a short story long, we decided to go on an organised trip. First, they took us to this underground tunnel system (well the cave opening thereof) and we swam inside this dark cave. You're thinking - wow really exciting - snore! No, you're missing the point - it was the start of a tunnel that went from where we were (miles inland) to the coast. Divers had explored this tunnel filled with water, needed a couple of changes of air tanks, but eventually made it to the coast through this tunnel system! Scary or what! You gotta admire people who do something like that! When we were treading water (and before the wife started panicking because she thought she was gonna drown and the water kept lapping over her mouth) when you dived down there was a rope path underwater that led into the tunnel, something that later divers just followed.
Anyway, onwards and upwards. From there we went snorkling in the coral reef. Now, you've gotta laugh (I just remembered that we paid for this trip days before we were due to go, but the wife had never snorkled, so I had to teach her how to use goggles, flippers, and a snorkle in the hotel swimming pool - so funny - remember the nutter? Well, that was the wife trying to snorkle!) So, we travel to this beach, put on life-jackets, snorkels, flippers etc., and climb into kayaks to row out to the coral reef (I won't tell you how I got my leg trapped and ended up floating upside down and looking like a fool!) So, there we are diving down to be one with nature and the coral reef - the wife and I - who had previously never snorkelled and couldn't stand the water going over her head. She loved it! And if it wasn't for the fact that we've got five Shitzhu dogs (yeah in the picture: Daisy, Frodo, Buddy, Coco, and Mim), we'd be snorkelling in coral reefs all over the world! We would liked to have learned to scuba dive as well, but I fear its too late now - me being on my last legs 'n all! (Yeah, I know the video is of a coral reef in Indonesia - wherever that is - but the Mexican videos weren't up to much, and its only to give you the flavour of a coral reef not the real thing for goodness sake)!
Next on the itinery was swimming with the Dolphins (this was what we really wanted to do and why we paid for the organised trip!) I've got a video, which now you've reminded me, I must get transferred to DVD. Yeah, it was brill (or should that be wicked!) Whatever, I loved it. Oh, I have got a photo! Now, where did the wife put it? Found it and scanned it! My wife knows where everything is, and I know where nothing is! What's that about? So, don't read anything untoward into that Dolphin kissing me - her name was Mildred by the way - there was nothing going on between us!
So, how on earth did we begin traipsing through the Mexican jungle when I wanted to talk about my sales? Oh, I forgot to tell you about the Mayan ruins in Quintano Roo, at Tulum - the Walled City. We had a wander round there as part of our trip - that's me on the alter, I'm the human sacrifice to the God of Wind Ehécatl! Anyway, got to go! Maybe I'll talk about my sales next time if I've still got a heart! Have a nice day, y'all!
Hi, I'm Tim Ellis - I write a lot and I hope you enjoy what I write.