So, here's the thing! A triple dose of Parish & Richards: Conjeries of the Dead, all proofread and shiny new - what more could you want for Christmas? What, it's not Christmas! Peeks through curtains - ye Gods sunshine! But hey, you can never be too early for Christmas shopping!
And anyway, it's the holiday season - mind you, every day is a holiday for me! Being retired is something I can recommend!
So, I thought I'd bundle up my Parish & Richards books. Well, first I thought I'd get them all proofread after a slack handful of complaints about the typos etc. Those typos get everywhere! You can be staring at a typo for half an hour and still not notice it! That done, I compiled my first conjeries, and put it out there.
Can you imagine! You managed to get up early enough to snaffle a sunbed from those Germins - I know, you probably didn't even go to sleep! Those Germins wander around the pool at all hours of the night claiming sunbeds in the name of vorsprung technologie!
So anyway, you're lying there in your Union Jack bikini, or is that a mankini? My wife wants me to get one, you know! So I said to her that even though I've got a body of a Greek God, I'm still 59 for goodness sake. There's a few wrinkles showing and grey hairs sprouting, so I said I'd pass on the mankini thing if it was all the same to her. I could see she was hugely disappointed - Well, who could blame her!
Anyway, you're on your sunbed, it's 40 degrees, the umbrella is strategically positioned so that you don't actually get any sun, you've got your florescent beach towel covering the tops of your feet because they're looking a bit red, a Bahamas Mama cocktail with a sparkler and a little flag in it is sitting on the table next to you, the pool is an inviting green, and you have three full-length addictive books in a conjeries on your Kindle - What do you do?
You get your Happy Hippo lilo out, put it in the pool, scramble on it with great aplomb and balance using your well-developed cheek muscles, grab your cocktail with one hand, and your Kindle with the other, and... Well, that's the thing, isn't it? You can read a Kindle with one hand! The joys of modern living. eh!
But that's not all. Oh no, not by a long walk off a short pier. As soon as I finish 'The Breath of Life' (Parish & Richards 6) in three weeks time, I'll be publishing my second conjeries, which will include The Shadow of Death, His Wrath is Come, and The Breath of Life. I've also got a third conjeries in the pipeline, which will include the four Quigg books once the middle two have been proofread: The Twelve Murders of Christmas (as a bonus), Body 13, The Graves at Angel Brook, and The Skulls Beneath Eternity Wharf - Christmas has come early!
And another thing! Have I told you about 'The Dead Know Not'? Of course I haven't, because I've only just thought of it! Parish & Richards 7 if you were wondering. No, it ain't been written yet, but I like to have a title and a cover to start with. Army training, you see! Everything has to be squared-off, the corners like razor blades, no creases or loose ends - ahhh, doesn't it warm your cockles? Anyway, I think I've waffled on about nothing for long enough - what do you think, Toady? Did I see your lips move then?
So, here's the thing! I'm getting tardy, Toady! I know, you're thinking, "Not you, Master?" but I'm afraid it's so. I've been lax, flaccid, and sloppy. One thousand words plus a day has been my mantra, my watchword, my shibboleth. I pride myself in being a shining light of military discipline - up at 5 a.m., write 1,000 words a day, finish a 90,000-word book in 3 months, edit it in the 4th month, and publish - Simples!
You're thinking, "My Master is the epitome of military discipline, and his books are so damned good." And you'd be right, Toady. But, as I said earlier in this despatch, my military discipline seems to have deserted me. Oh yes, I'm still getting up at 5 a.m., but you know what - I stray! Call me a weak-willed, lily-livered, good-for-nothing - it's true, I get sidetracked, averted, redirected onto branch lines, B-roads, and beaten tracks. I mean, here I am writing a blog and I still haven't finished my 1,000 words - how spineless is that? I'm a jellyfish! Here, take this branch and flagellate (and no, that's not another word for spank) me, Toady!
It all started with an email saying I'd got a new follower, I clicked on it and signed in to Twitter to follow this lovely romantic person from the back-of-beyond in Yorkshire, then I looked at my new followers, made a list to thank them, and followed some back. Yeah, and so it goes on... It trickled round to 8 o'clock and I made a note of my daily sales, transferred the total to my spreadsheet - , Remember, being an obsessive compulsive type of person I like to keep itemised lists, tallys, and inventories showing rows and rows of lovely figures from which fantabulous charts and mind-boggling statistics can be... Anyway, I found I'd sold some of my books after 8 o'clock - I don't know, maybe Amazon save a couple to make you feel good at the start of the day! Well, I feel good, but not very disciplined - makes note to self to stop shilly-shallying around and get back to writing. So, I checked where my books were in the lists - Those lists are beautiful, but I think they're driving me crazy!
So, the wife's here looking up her old cronies on Facebook. It all started because I got a skip delivered. I know, make yourself comfortable. Well, I cleared out the garage, and remember I told you I used to be into photography in a big way? Yeah, so I found all my black and white photographs and threw them away. I kept that one above - I know, not exactly Ansell Adams, but still... Next, we were on our way out to womble round town when my better half said, "Hey up, what's these photos doing in the skip?" (She doesn't really talk like that, but its my blog!) So, she starts to riffle through them checking there's none of her naked - Hey, I was doing life photography, which meant I had to take lots of photographs of the wife naked - and we were young! Haven't you ever been young, Toady? I guess not!
Whilst (or while) I've been writing this in fits and starts like a tired old runner, I also reached my 1,000 words target on The Flesh is Weak. I know, you want me to throw a party, get the balloons and beers out... Sorry, I need to lie down now, but tomorrow's another day so they tell me. I'm going to be more disciplined in the future though. I'm gonna write my 1,000 words and not get distracted by other thi... Sorry, I got an email, which turned into a conversation on Facebook, and then the garage repair man came, and whilst I was talking to him the dogs started barking to go out, but I couldn't remember where I'd put my keys, and... What was I talking about?
Anyway, more discipline - 1000+ words a day! I'm on 41,000 words now, which leaves 49,000 words, or 49 days. It's the 4th July today (wasn't there something specific about that date? Mmmm, nothing springs to mind), so if I wrote exactly 1,000 words every day I would achieve 90,000 words on 22nd August, but once I'm on the downhill slope I can churn out more than 1,000 words, so I'll aim to finish the book on or very near 31st July. Hey, we have a plan. Will it work? Let's see if I can get to 50,000 words by Friday - if I can I think you'll be able to put the plan in front of the President for his approval!
Hi, I'm Tim Ellis - I write a lot and I hope you enjoy what I write.