So, here's the thing! What does it take to get noticed by agents, publishers, or anybody around here? Well look, if the Amazon Kindle lists are the new slushpile then sombody - anybody - should have snapped me up like a Bahamas Mama. I mean, I have four books in the Top 50 paid Kindle list at 14, 23, 27 & 28 (Numbers subject to change every hour on the hour due to various strange Amazonian anomolies that no one understands especially me such as what my wife's wearing, whether its a full moon or not - werewolves and vampires don't like my books apparently, I mean, how strange is that! or the amount of pig iron produced in Pensylvania), so you could argue that I've risen high enough to get noticed - haven't I?
My books are selling in the millions - well all right, the thousands - you drive a hard bargain Toady - the hundreds then, but I'm not going lower than that! I mean, A Life for a Life has sold over 30,000 copies. Now, if I'm not mistaken, that's pretty damned good for someone who left school at 4¾ under a dark ominous cloud when hell was beginning to freeze over. The Wages of Sin - over 16,000 copies, The Flesh is Weak - over 10,000 copies, and the fourth in the series, The Shadow of Death (Published 3 weeks ago) - over 5,000 copies, and my other crime novels are bubbling away just outside the Top 100 - Hey, I have a lot of time on my hands, don'tcha know!
Now, not only but also, the majority of people seem to like my stories in terms of characters, writing style, suspense, plot, and have I mentioned my good looks? Oh, there are some mean people - aren't there always - who don't like what I write, but I'm pleased to say they are in the minority - they say some nasty things though!
So, I did a telephone interview the other day with a reporter from the local paper, and a fantabulous young lady came to my house all the way from Finland with a camera in the afternoon and took some snaps of your's truly. As you've probably noticed, the result is above. I thought I looked a fairly young 21, but I'm beginning to think writing crime has aged me, Doctor Sally. What do you think? Have you had any cases like this before?
Anyway, I'm now famous in my own back garden, and since this interview I've had two phone calls. One from a woman I used to work with when I was counting beans - she was really pleased I was doing well - It was lovely of her to phone. A second phone call came from a traditionally published mid-list author who had been dropped by his agent/publisher. He wanted to know how to e-publish his books, so I told him. Well, let's face it, its hardly Top Secret, is it Toady? Also, I had someone leave a message on my Facebook Fan Page saying I was an inspiration! Now steady on, there's no need to call people names. I mean, it's not as if I'm Stephen King, or Ray Bradbury, or anyone really famous, is it Toady? In fact, you're more famous than I am, Toady.
'Oh yes, I've had emails about you.'
'They wanted to know if you were real, what you looked like, whether you were single.'
'I told them that it was me talking to myself.'
'You didn't? They'll think you're a crazy person.'
'I am a crazy person, Toady don'tcha know - I'm a writer aren't I?'
Hi, I'm Tim Ellis - I write a lot and I hope you enjoy what I write.