"Dialogue, that's what I wanted to talk to you muffins about..."
"Muffins? Is that an English expression for intelligent people?"
"Yes, Toady. So, what do I know about dialogue? Well, not a lot really, so this will be a very short blog. I know the usual rubbish the people who do know about dialogue tell you, like: (1) Make it sound like the music of everyday speech; (2) Cut out the boring parts - nobody wants to read ums, ers, arhs, and other grunts and snorts you make when you're talking, Toady."
"Is your name Toady?"
"It might be."
"Might be, my arse. Should we continue?"
"(3) Don't use dialogue for info dumps - long speeches are boring, and believe me Toady, I - like most of your readers - have a miniscule boredom threshold; (4) Break up dialogue with action and vicky-verky - and I should tell you here that long paragraphs of description are boring; (5) Try not to use a multitude of synonyms for "said" as dialogue tags - interweave, or should that be intertwine, or maybe entwine, interlace...!!! - Anyway, jumble up your action and your dialogue. It doesn't go dialogue, action, dialogue, more dialogue, some action, etc., ad infinitum... Refer back to (1) - the music of everyday speech, which includes action - people aren't statues with moving mouths - they scratch their arses, pick their noses, and generally annoy other people; (6) Avoid stereotypes like the plague, use slang and profanity sparingly - it ain't necessary."
"I think I got everything, boss."
"So, that's it really, Toady! Well, I did say it would be short. I could mention punctuation... Yeah, you gotta punctuate dialogue correctly, or it looks like a bag of worms on a night out. Also, somebody once said, "Make sure there's lots of white space!" I live by that. Readers like white space, it's easy to read! Do I need to explain that?"
"No, I don't think so, boss." Toady shuffles from one foot to the other, and won't look me in the eyes.
"You don't think so?" My lip curls up. "That fills me with a whole bucketful of confidence."
"What about reading your dialogue aloud?"
"Some do, but I can hear it in my head." I shake my head and my eyes roll from side to side like the reels in a slot machine.
"Some people say, "Put your book away for a year, and then look at it again." What do you think about that?"
I get ready to make a strange noise with my mouth. "Do you really want to know what I think about that, Toady?"
"A wise decision."
"Do you want to say anything about adverbs?"
I laugh heartily, then say crisply and with gusto, "It's best to use body language to convey meaning. Look, you're not writing dialogue to fill up the page. If it's not developing character, or dealing with a plot point, or relating to something important to the story - what's it there for?"
"Is that it?"
"My final point, and then I'm done. Vary the speech styles of your characters - we live in a multicultural world and we ain't be all talking da same is we?"
"You're a genius, boss."
"Coming from you, Toady, that means nothing."